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Apocalypse How?
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11) And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.16) And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads.
17) And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
18) Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.
- From The Book of The Revelation of John, Chapter 13
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Superhyperinflation Just Around The Corner
A Looming Doom Economic Collapse BriefThe Looming Doom has learned leading experts are advising the Obama Administration that the U.S. is poised to experience the most painful economic cycle of all: the Super-Hyper-Inflation Trauma (SHIT). While there is yet slight division amongst the experts as to whether the U.S. is already in SHIT or not, once the U.S. is fully in deep SHIT, there is no quick fix. Furthermore, if the SHIT is too deep, the economy may never recover.
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Experts Say Humans Extinct By August
It’s time to finalize any of life’s ‘loose ends’ say experts who are sounding the alarm that the growing usage of wireless technologies will lead to the extinction of Humanity before the end of August. “When you consider that the technology being deployed for our wireless utilities is closely related to a microwave oven, the sudden hue and cry is actually quite understated” said one. Recent reports of sudden, inexplicable occurrences are likely the ‘canary in the coal mine’, warning that a significant problem with electromagnetic radiation is rapidly unfolding.
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Methane Will Burn The Earth To A Cinder
Following the news this week that methane – a potent greenhouse gas - is being released from the seabed at a rate faster than previously anticipated, researchers scrambling to recalibrate climate models have stumbled upon a massive reservoir of methane hitherto undiscovered. The ramifications of such a large volume of the explosive gas being suddenly released are nothing short of catastrophic. At sufficiently high concentrations the methane could ignite a global firestorm, burn the Earth’s surface to a cinder and in doing so consume all of the available oxygen in the atmosphere.
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God Declares Free Agency
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In a surprise move, God has declared an intention to pursue Free Agency in front of the upcoming Holy Season. In a prepared statement, mega-agent Phillip Laskoff stated “We have been retained to explore all available options relating to God’s Free Agency. Clearly, God brings a tremendous suite of abilities and adds incalculable value to any organization. Our challenge is to ascertain what constitutes an appropriate structure in today’s market for what we consider to be the only all-omniscient, all powerful deity in the game.”
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Housing Collapses!
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Today’s Doom Dispatch emanates from the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Entomological Research Station outside of Grand Junction, CO where private contractors pursuing Government-funded research have inadvertently released genetically modified insects into the surrounding environment.
The Looming Doom
It may already be too late.....
