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Housing Collapses!
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Today’s Doom Dispatch emanates from the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Entomological Research Station outside of Grand Junction, CO where private contractors pursuing Government-funded research have inadvertently released genetically modified insects into the surrounding environment.
Dubbed ‘Joe Carpenters’ due to their frenetic, almost caffeinated, pace and aggressive consumption of cellulosic materials, these ‘superbugs’ carry DNA from domestic termites, carpenter ants, Amazonian leafcutter ants as well as African killer bees and Hippopotamus.
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Reportedly fed genetically modified grains, fluoridated water and then subjected to massive radiation exposure, these genetically engineered ‘Frankenbugs’ are apparently the reason housing in the Four Corners region of America’s southwest has begun to collapse. Literally. Seemingly overnight residential buildings are experiencing inexplicable catastrophic failures, often trapping the occupants due to the suddenness of the destruction.
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Gerry Herberger, a private contractor performing research at the Entomological Research Station said “It’s fine. There’s no problem. All of our research subjects are accounted for and we’re not doing anything like that. Like what you’re talking about. Any housing collapse is not from us. We support housing. You might check with the nuclear waste storage facility down the road. But it’s definitely not us. Nope. Can’t be. Everything’s fine here. It’s all going really well. I’m going to go now. I have to go. OK. I’m going now. But not because anything is wrong. No. Everything is fine. I have to go do my taxes. I’m using TurboTax. So bugbye now. Um, I mean bye.”
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But local Pest Control experts are skeptical of Herberger’s calm disclaimer.”In 30 years of wrangling every kind of pest these deserts can produce, I’ve never seen anything like it” declared Grand Junction exterminator Creighton Keller. “One of these bugs can eat an entire duplex in just 48 hours. And they leave tall piles of white scat - it’s the sheetrock I imagine. I suppose they can’t digest the gypsum. These towers of poop are everywhere. ”
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For what purpose would researchers create such an insect? Speaking on condition of anonymity, a maintenance worker at the Research Station claims to have overheard a telling conversation: “A couple of the scientists were talking about it one day as I was cleaning in their area. If they noticed me, they didn’t care. They just kept talking. Apparently Washington doesn’t know how to reduce the massive overhang of unsold homes in the U.S. What they were saying is, one of these contractors pitched the superbug idea and the Treasury and the Fed went for it. And now these things are out! I’ve seen them.”
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Our readers in the Four Corners region, as well as areas to the south of Four Corners, are strongly urged to evacuate immediately. These bugs are extremely large and voracious eaters. Readers outside of the Four Corners region should stay where they are as the insects appear to be moving southward. Public Safety officials are hoping the insects cross-over into Mexico. “It’s a good thing we never secured the Border,” said one. “We’ll see how Calderon likes undocumented aliens.”
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Some homeowners with mortgage amounts exceeding the market value of their homes are quite excited by the prospect of receiving an insurance settlement for the anticipated destruction. “My house is insured for considerably more than I could sell it for,” said one ‘underwater’ homeowner obviously hoping for a visit from the marauding pests. However a review of that individual’s Homeowners policy revealed however an exclusion for ‘termite damage’, a loophole the Insurers are sure to exploit.
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Banks exposed to mortgages and Mortgage Backed Securities (MBS) originated in the affected areas are expecting to receive Government Assistance at a multiple of their realized losses. Dubbed the “Bug Adjustment Remediation Field Utility Program” (Barf Up), Federal dollars are streaming to the largest banks in the Nation even though those banks are only slightly exposed to the Four Corners area. “This is the best thing since AIG!” gushed one recipient. Obviously the program doesn’t bug him like it does us…..
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The Looming Doom
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