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God Declares Free Agency
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In a surprise move, God has declared an intention to pursue Free Agency in front of the upcoming Holy Season. In a prepared statement, mega-agent Phillip Laskoff stated “We have been retained to explore all available options relating to God’s Free Agency. Clearly, God brings a tremendous suite of abilities and adds incalculable value to any organization. Our challenge is to ascertain what constitutes an appropriate structure in today’s market for what we consider to be the only all-omniscient, all powerful deity in the game.”
Laskoff is universally credited with garnering the groundbreaking deal struck between Jenny Craig and The Buddha last quarter. The terms for God are expected to be significantly broader.
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Insiders say God has been increasingly dissatisfied with the state of the game and is looking to cement a long-term relationship with an organization committed to winning. “It’s understandable” said one. “This has been building for some time. And while God is infinitely patient, apparently even infinity has its limits and God is now there.” Management teams from around the globe are scrambling to finalize their proposals to be presented to Laskoff by, ironically, Thursday, April 1st.
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Who is the frontrunner in the God-stakes? Independent analyst Dan Reynolds sizes up the expected suitors. “Most analysts believe it will likely boil down to the major markets: Christianity, Judaism and Islam. I’m going out on a limb and say I believe God will start a new, independent Franchise. It’s God after all. Who’s going to block that? The Pope? I hear God still chuckles whenever he sees that hat.”
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The ramifications of such a move are difficult to fathom. For the organization who wins God’s support, effectively all of their desired outcomes become preordained. “That’s a helluva advantage” quips Frank Herzfeld, Union President of the Amalgamated Religious Workers of the World. With members approximating 90% of all Religious workers in the industrialized nations, Herzfeld is already positioning his union to capture the workforce in the event God were to start an independent franchise. “The Union story is, first we took over natural resources, then it was manufacturing and currently we own Government employees. We milk these gigs until they run dry. And then we squeeze out a few more drops for good measure. But anyone can see that Government funding is on its last legs. Religion is the savior of the Union Official. The whole voluntary funding thing still trips me out. And if you don’t pay you’re doomed to an eternity in a terrible place. Now that is a Union-written script! So if God is planning to create a non-union shop, well, on behalf of the hard working members of the Amalgamated Religious Workers of the World, I say we shall see.”
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Many are wondering if God will make a public statement on the matter. Numerous requests for interviews have gone unanswered. While several news organizations are openly grousing on the black-out, CNN personality Larry King takes a somewhat longer view. “I’ll be seeing God soon enough as it is” he said. “What’s the rush?” Notoriously closemouthed, God rarely speaks out, preferring to let actions speak for themselves. Critics respond that this approach can result in multiple interpretations, as evidenced by thousands of years of conflict in God’s name. Mega Agent Laskoff has the final word on the issue: “The telling aspect in our discussions is God’s requirement for a Love of the Game clause. It’s as simple as that. All other issues are secondary. And it’s worth reminding folks that for God, Free Agency can extend beyond merely humankind. Then where will you be?”
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Where indeed. The Looming Doom foresees a difficult sales job ahead for those merely attempting to make the pitch for God’s further support of humanity, let alone a specific Franchise. With this in mind, readers should consider the possibility that this is the ninth inning. As such, readers should be preparing for the proverbial ‘final out’ on or about April 1st. After that? Only God knows….
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The Looming Doom
It may already be too late.....
