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Methane Will Burn The Earth To A Cinder
Following the news this week that methane – a potent greenhouse gas - is being released from the seabed at a rate faster than previously anticipated, researchers scrambling to recalibrate climate models have stumbled upon a massive reservoir of methane hitherto undiscovered. The ramifications of such a large volume of the explosive gas being suddenly released are nothing short of catastrophic. At sufficiently high concentrations the methane could ignite a global firestorm, burn the Earth’s surface to a cinder and in doing so consume all of the available oxygen in the atmosphere.
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Chairman of the United Nation’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) Rajendra Pachauri said “We’ve been taking a lot of heat for cooking the climate books. But this is definitely a case of the kitchen being too hot. There are way too many cooks. I’m going to have to call the Kettle for some pot!” While we’re not really certain what he meant by that, your unrelenting investigative team from The Looming Doom has ferreted-out the source of the potential methane cataclysm.
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The Looming Doom Editor in Chief TomOfTheNorth released a statement from parent company OTCB’s global corporate shed:
“As you are likely aware, OTCB has been waging a solitary campaign, though our publications The Looming Doom and Outside The (Cardboard) Box, for the complete and final eradication of Old Person Smell (OPS). This is an affliction that affects not only the smelly old person but also the friends, loved ones and casual passers-by of smelly old people the world over. We have repeatedly argued that the technology currently exists to turn the dream of a world without OPS into a reality but that the will to do so was lacking.
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Now we are informed thru irrefutable scientific data that Old People have become the single largest global contributor to atmospheric methane. Furthermore, the so-far untapped reservoir of methane still contained within Old People , if released under certain adverse conditions, could destroy all life on the surface of the Earth.
We implore our Government to act rapidly before a flatulent tragedy of unparalleled proportions erupts across the face of our World.”
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One possible solution that could save our World, and with the potential for collateral beneficial effects, is being put forth by a group of Graduate students from MIT. Their “Granny Barn” solution, modeled after techniques used successfully by dairy farmers seeking to utilize their confined livestock’s out-gassing as an energy resource, proposes to modify the air handling systems in buildings where old people frequently congregate. Doctoral candidate Richard Felcher said “The emitted methane rises to air-intakes in the ceiling. It is then routed through ductwork to a concentrator and finally into a combustion chamber where we release the stored energy, be it merely for heating or we can even generate electricity. Fresh air is continuously brought into the building and provides positive pressure to help feed the methane capture system.”
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Could the aging demographics of the United States actually be the solution to the Country’s looming energy deficit? A Congressional Staffer who wishes to remain anonymous said “The term ‘old fart’ has always been considered derogatory. We’re now on the brink of an era when that may no longer be the case. Given the Nation’s chronic obesity and uniquely terrible dietary choices, our elderly may prove to be the single largest untapped reservoir of natgas in the world.” Researchers have indicated that Scotland is also proving to have a substantial methane reserve as well.
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Seniors Rights advocates such as AARP are concerned that ‘old farts’ not be exploited for their gaseous potential.”We heard of one proposal where seniors would be compelled to consume a daily serving of baked beans. We find such a suggestion to be unthinkable, regardless of our national energy situation. Furthermore, if so-called ‘eldergas’ is the direction our national energy policy is moving, we believe that participation in the program must be voluntary and that participants must be compensated for their ‘energy discharges’ at market rates” said a spokesperson.
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The potential financial benefits to the outgassing elderly are substantial. “We believe that the positive impact of individual gas production in supporting the financial needs of the elderly will all but eliminate the Government safety nets for the aging of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. These people will literally be pumping money as long as they keep eating” declared an unnamed official from the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency.
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New enterprises have sprung-up overnight to capitalize on this emerging industry. One offshore pilot facility / retirement home has delivered compelling early returns. However, while collection of gas through “Granny Barn” aggragation methods are fairly straightforward to implement, research has indicated that a significantly greater volume of gas is discharged during physical movement. Therefore a mobile collection method is being aggressively sought by a number of competing groups. “We think gas-on-the-go collection is the way of the future” said Tom Clay, founder and CEO of mobile methane collection start-up Gaseous Clay. “Our elderly are going to deliver OPEC a knock-out punch within the decade.”
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While several of the gas-on-the-go programs are pursuing traditional hose to canister approaches, such energy extraction infrastructure can be extremely uncomfortable for the Gas Generation Unit (GGU) to wear. Gaseous Clay is developing an adult undergarment that uses the gas pressure exerted by the GGUs themselves to capture and store gas within the undergarment itself for offloading at a time convenient for the GGU. “One day’s output by the GGU stored in our ‘Gas Can’ brand undergarment will not even be noticeable to the casual observer. We’ve run tests where the GGU has successfully stored output for several days, although the GGU tends to look a bit bloated after day two. We don’t advise longer storage periods in the ‘Gas Can’. After four days the volume of stored gas is sufficient to require the posting of a Federal hazardous materials transport placard on the GGU.”
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While the perils of elderly methane are very real, could this dark, foul-smelling cloud actually have a silver lining? Could Breaking Wind Energy finally release the United States from its decades-long addiction to petroleum? The Looming Doom certainly hopes so but, given that the stakes are for our very survival, we urge our readers to quit their jobs, assemble survival rations for 10 years, including food, water, toilet paper and Glade brand air freshener, and relocate to the deepest level of an abandoned salt mine until the crisis hopefully, er, passes.
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The Looming Doom - Dig a hole & hide!
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The Looming Doom
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