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Experts Say Humans Extinct By August
It’s time to finalize any of life’s ‘loose ends’ say experts who are sounding the alarm that the growing usage of wireless technologies will lead to the extinction of Humanity before the end of August. “When you consider that the technology being deployed for our wireless utilities is closely related to a microwave oven, the sudden hue and cry is actually quite understated” said one. Recent reports of sudden, inexplicable occurrences are likely the ‘canary in the coal mine’, warning that a significant problem with electromagnetic radiation is rapidly unfolding.
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As early as the late 1930s, individuals living in close proximity to military radar installations complained of frequent headaches, nausea and other illnesses at a rate significantly higher than average. As these installations are typically located in remote locations, the general populace has remained mostly unaffected and unconcerned. However as the increasing reach and power of the new wireless technologies has raised the renewed specter of widespread environmental impact, researchers are revisiting early claims of adverse impact and investigating new reports of catastrophic effect.
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Although the U.S. Military’s Extremely Low Frequency (ELF) naval communications system program was shut down in the 1980s due to concerns over the environmental and health impacts of such a powerful source of electromagnetic radiation, the deployment of today’s modern cellular telephone systems planet-wide now exceeds the ELF-generated radiation by several orders of magnitude. Even casual observers and non-scientific periodicals are becoming attuned to the issue and reporting all manner of encountered adverse effects.
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The surge in ambient electromagnetic radiation is widely blamed for Colony Collapse Disorder, the near-extinction of the common honey bee, which has wiped-out 70% of honey bee hives in a single year. Now Wi-Fi networks are being vastly expanded, with capacity doubling monthly to allow wireless broadband Internet access for mobile and stationary users alike.
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To better understand the experts concerns regarding electromagnetic radiation, The Looming Doom conducted a simple, informal experiment using only common cell phones.
If radiation emitted from a mere three telephones can generate such a result, what can we expect from millions of times that level of radiation due to ever-expanding cellular networks and Wi-Fi hotspots? (*If the embeded video link above is broken, you may watch the experiment here.) Looming Doom reader K M reported a most disturbing and tragic Wi-Fi incident at her home.
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“I had just implemented a new wireless hub. I wanted a more powerful unit so I could get better coverage further out in the yard” she relays somewhat emotionally. “Mittens was on the table sniffing at the Hub. I powered-up the unit and went outside with my Netbook to check the coverage. When I came back in – it couldn’t have been 5 minutes even – Mittens was…Mittens was ….popped!”
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And it’s not only small animals being affected. Hospitals report increased calls from people who are experiencing random popping, often from their mouths or other orifices. “It’s quite frightening for the patient who is starting to pop “, said an Emergency Room physician. “If we can get them into a radiation-free environment the popping usually subsides. However it is extremely difficult finding a radiation-free zone anymore. It really permeates everything, it’s everywhere.”
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Although there is little scientific disagreement that we are rapidly approaching an electromagnetic radiation tipping point , rarely discussed are the catalysts for how a disaster of this scale could develop in so short a time. Joseph Flamini, Director of Aliens Are Really Popping Us (AARPU) explains his organization’s position.
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“Highly advanced Aliens are turning the Earth into a microwave oven for what is effectively a rest stop on their Interstellar Highway. You know….you’ve been driving for a while. You pull off. Use the head. Have a snack….Their scale is much different than ours. And worse, they don’t recognize us as sufficiently sentient to be concerned about.”
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“They look at us like we look at badgers - I mean nobody cares about badgers” Flamini continues. ”But we’ve learned that there are elements within their society who are advocates for the Earth. They call themselves ‘Ethical Aliens for good Treatment of PEOPLE’. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the acronym for their group is ‘EAT PEOPLE’. We’re trying to make contact but apparently we humans are quite tasty when popped so…..well there’s some resistance. Let’s put it that way.”
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Is it humanity’s fate to be nothing more than a salty snack for peckish travelers on the Intergalactic Superhighway? While uncertain as to any alien influence in the process, scientist Felix Smith has no doubt that time is running out to address this looming disaster. “We’ve got until August,” he declares with authority. “I calculate that based on the current rate of ambient radiation increase the Earth’s surface will be comparable to the inside of a 1000 watt microwave cooking a Lean Cuisine frozen entree on August 12th at around 2:15 p.m. Eastern. “
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No longer sneered at, so-called ‘Tin Foil Hat’ types are getting renewed interest given the wide recognition that tin foil disrupts the microwave process. In fact the fashion industry has already embraced the aluminum foil trend as sales of ‘alfo’ clothing and accessories are soaring.
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Lingerie icon Victoria’s Secrets recent ‘Aluminum Angels’ runway show was critically acclaimed by guys in bars everywhere, continuing Victoria’s Secrets unbroken winning streak in the ‘Lonely Guys 13 - 80’ demographic.
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Looking beyond the uptick in aluminum clothing sales for, um, a silver lining, actress and former Jenny Craig spokesperson Kirstie Alley weighed-in for the current issue of Weekly World News. “I think this will make it easier for people to prepare larger meals quickly. For example, I can’t fit a 23 pound turkey in my microwave. There is just not enough room. So I have to use a roasting pan in my oven, which takes HOURS! But when the electromagnetic radiation reaches a high enough level, I’ll be able to just set that turkey outside on the patio for five, maybe ten minutes and voila! I’ve got a tasty drumstick or two in my hands and a tub of stuffing on the side.”
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Silver linings notwithstanding - the staff here at The Looming Doom have been known to ‘wave-up’ some Pizza Rolls during shed festivities - the rise in electromagnetic radiation should be of great concern to anyone who plans on still being alive come August. Prepare!
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The Looming Doom – Dig a hole & hide. You know you want to!
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The Looming Doom
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