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Apocalypse How?
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11) And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.16) And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads.
17) And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
18) Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.
- From The Book of The Revelation of John, Chapter 13
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*In our never ending quest to keep you informed with up-to-the-minute reports on the end of the world (as well as lesser looming disasters, catastrophes & extinction events), the Editors of The Looming Doom bring you this Exclusive Breaking News direct from our Publishing Bunker.
The Looming Doom has received information from two independent sources that The Antichrist has been identified. More troubling is the assertion that The Antichrist is now physically present on Earth. If correct, then the Great Tribulation has already commenced and The Apocalypse is at hand! Perhaps a silver lining in this otherwise grim assessment is that, for the faithful, Rapture is just around the corner.
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*Northstradomus
Regular readers of The Looming Doom will be familiar with the uncannily accurate predictions of our resident soothsayer Northstradomus. Northstradomus was first to identify The Antichrist. While Northstradomus is painfully modest regarding his forecasts, which are always in the form of quatrains, we here at The Looming Doom have learned to ‘take it to the bank’ whenever Northstradomus’ eyes flutter back and, in a voice from beyond the grave, he delivers one of those compelling four-line stanzas.*
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*Once when we asked Northstradomus where his predictions come from, he promptly entered a trance and replied in typical form with a quatrain:
Out in the ether
Perhaps it is nitrous
Give me a Whip It
Whip It Good!That Northstradomus, he’s a real hoot! Although the quatrain bit can get a little tiresome when we’re ordering lunch:
A burger on bun
Please add some un-yun
An order of fries
A coke with some ize*
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*Netbot Guru Yurovera Cliff
The independent confirmation identifying The Antichrist arrived a short while after Northstradomus’ fugue state concluded via a telephone call from ’Netbot Guru’ Yurovera Cliff. Cliff uses massively parallel computing to cull through literally bejillions of messages, posts and other data streams traversing the Internet for clues to future events. While Cliff’s predictive abilities on forecasts made in hindsight are near perfect, he has so far not been quite as accurate as Northstradomus when predictions are made for the future. As Cliff himself points out, “it will either happen, or it won’t”. However as this is still a very new and evolving science, we are confident Cliff will continue to refine his algorithms, further improving the ability of his netbot searches to inform on future events.*
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*The Antichrist
Having just entered The Looming Doom publishing bunker for a casual visit, Northstradomus’ eyes rolled back as he suddenly collapsed into a psychic trance. A voice that was not his spoke the following quatrain from his mouth:The three-headed monster
Painfully penetrates every orifice of the publics’ discourse
Branching out, branching, branching suckers everywhere
Until we are all dustThe quatrain could not be more clear: Northstradomus is teling us that The Antichrist is the Unholy Trinity of the three branches of the United States Government - Executive, Legislative & Judicial. It is they who will bring on the End Times and the demise of humanity. Needless to say we were shocked by this revelation. Had this emanated from anyone other than Northstradomus, we would have been highly skeptical. As it was, it took the unsoliticited confirmation from Yurovera Cliff to fully convince us.
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Shortly after Northstradomus had channeled his Antichrist ‘bombshell’, we received the aforementioned call from Cliff to tell us he had been getting extremely disturbing Netbot Search results and he was anxious to talk to us about them. Cliff told us that troubling results had been emerging with some of the standard search terms he uses to track future legislative and judicial actions and/or activities. “Supreme Court” came paired with “defiled” and “corrupted”. The word “Congress” was paired with “unclean minions”, “filth” and “abomination”. Cliff was very concerned that the label “President Obama” returned paired with “spawn of Santa” as the materialism implied by Santa Clause is the antithesis of the true nature of one of Christianity’s holiest days.*
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*Incredulous at his Netbot results, Cliff investigated further. In his words:
“I couldn’t believe what I was reading. How could this be - the U.S. Government was The Antichrist? I reread the holy texts. There is quite a lot of material on the End Times. And it all rang true for our times but the behaviors and other characteristics described could apply to other people and entities just as easily. I was looking for a direct tie-in between the prophecies of old and our Government today. That’s when I remembered the Mark of the Beast. I felt it important that, before I went public with this prediction, I would need to show that the Mark of the Beast was somehow on our Government.”
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*The mark of the beast is described in The Bible as the number 666. Over the centuries, many have taken this to mean The Antichrist will literally have the number 666 on their body in some form. Following extensive research of the original, ancient texts, Cliff believed that the number would need to convey not just who, but when The Antichrist would be. The knowledge gained from this leap of intuition is what allows Cliff to state with certainty that the U.S. Government is in fact The Antichrist. Again, in Cliff’s own words:
“How did I find the mark? The President and Vice President constitute the Executive Branch. Count them as two. There are seven Supreme Court Justices, one hundred Senators, four hundred thirty five Congressmen plus six non-voting members of the House of Representatives. Add those all together and you get 550. That’s the ‘Who’. To derive the ‘When’, we subtract the ’ Who’ – or 550 – from 666, which equals 116. This tells me that Armageddon will occur during the 116th Congressional Session or approximately five years from now.”
Shocking indeed!
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*This dreadful prediction does have its sunny side for those previously expecting the World to end in 2012 however. “Dude, I’m so stoked about the extra three years. It’s all gravy!” chimed one very upbeat doom and gloomer out celebrating with his friends.
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*The Looming Doom: “You SHOULD worry!”
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The Looming Doom
It may already be too late.....
